What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 13:43
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
What's the most incredible coincidence that ever happened to you?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I will be 64.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I think the readers, may guess!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Was to survive, this bastard.
What are LGBT+ people tired of hearing?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
Ive learnt so much.
All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
So, i spoilt her more .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot live in the past .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Put me off passion for life!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But, we were locked up after school.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She married twice! .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I said to her
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who then, do I blame.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.