What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 13:29
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I don,t even have a pension.
Is having white skin really that attractive?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I was 9 years of age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What does the Bible say about the Antichrist? How will we know when he arrives on the scene?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was very sick at this time too.
Do straight guys like to see cocks?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do a lot of autistic people not know how to style their hair?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Put me off passion for life!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
He knew the spot.
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ive learnt so much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So whats the point in blame.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.